Toddler Troubles

by Jo Douglas

Small children can be demanding and exhausting. Next minute they’re all sweet and loveable again. Coping with the ups and downs of looking after the under-5s can often leave you feeling confused and guiltyJo Douglas understands how hard it is when small children refuse to eat or sleep. A parent and clinical psychologist, she has been working with families for over 25 years. In Toddler Troubles, she provides effective ideas for handling common problems in family life, like temper tantrums, endless questions, eating and sleeping and coping with brothers and sisters.

Toddler Troubles shows you how to be a sensitive and sensible parent, how best to look after your child, and how best to look after yourself.

 Fantastic book - was a huge help. I think it’s published by John Wiley & Sons,Ltd

Fantastic - had to share this with every mother lacking a good night’s sleep:

Bananas. They’re practically a sleeping pill in a peel. In addition to a bit of soothing melatonin and serotonin, bananas contain magnesium, a muscle relaxant.

Chamomile tea. The reason chamomile is such a staple of bedtime tea blends is its mild sedating effect - it’s the perfect natural antidote for restless minds/bodies.

Warm milk. It’s not a myth. Milk has some tryptophan - an amino acid that has a sedative - like effect - and calcium, which helps the brain use tryptophan. Plus there’s the psychological throw-back to infancy, when a warm bottle meant “relax, everything’s fine.”

Honey. Drizzle a little in your warm milk or herb tea. Lots of sugar is stimulating, but a little glucose tells your brain to turn off orexin, a recently discovered neurotransmitter that’s linked to alertness.

Potatoes. A small baked spud won’t overwhelm your GI tract, and it clears away acids that can interfere with yawn-inducing tryptophan. To up the soothing effects, mash it with warm milk.

Oatmeal. Oats are a rich source of sleep - inviting melatonin, and a small bowl of warm cereal with a splash of maple syrup is cozy - plus if you’ve got the munchies, it’s filling too.

Almonds. A handful of these heart-healthy nuts can be snooze-inducing, as they contain both tryptophan and a nice dose of muscle-relaxing magnesium.

Flaxseeds. When life goes awry and feeling down is keeping you up, try sprinkling 2 tablespoons of these healthy little seeds on your bedtime oatmeal. They’re rich in omega-3 fatty acids, a natural mood lifter.

Whole-wheat bread. A slice of toast with your tea and honey will release insulin, which helps tryptophan get to your brain, where it’s converted to serotonin and quietly murmurs “time to sleep.”

Turkey. It’s the most famous source of tryptophan, credited with all those Thanksgiving naps. But that’s actually modern folklore. Tryptophan works when your stomach’s basically empty, not overstuffed, and when there are some carbs around, not tons of protein. But put a lean slice or two on some whole-wheat bread mid-evening, and you’ve got one of the best sleep inducers in your kitchen.

For an extra treat, here’s the ultimate sleep-inducing snack…

Lullaby Muffins
Makes 12 low-fat muffins
Between the bananas, the whole wheat, and the honeyed touch of sweetness, these muffins are practically an edible lullaby.
· 2 cups whole-wheat pastry flour
· 1/2 teaspoon salt
· 1 tablespoon baking powder
· 2 large, very ripe bananas
· 1/3 cup applesauce
· 1/4 cup honey
· 1/2 cup milk or soymilk

Preheat oven to 350F. In a large bowl, combine the flour (make sure it’s whole-wheat pastry flour or you’ll produce golf balls, not muffins), salt, and baking powder. In a blender, puree the bananas; add the applesauce, honey, and milk. Blend well. Pour the banana mixture into the dry ingredients and stir until just moistened. Line muffin tins with paper muffin cups, pour in batter, and bake 30 minutes or until tops are lightly brown and slightly springy.
 

Nutrition Facts
Per serving: 119 calories; 1g fat; 2.5g protein; 27g carbohydrates; 10g sugars; 133mg sodium; 3g fiber; 35mg magnesium

Whether a babysitter is new to your family or a seasoned caregiver who knows your children well, it’s always important to leave a list of contact information. Remember to tell the babysitter your child’s bedtime routine, allergies and any special requests or considerations. Be sure to go over the list with your sitter so she has a chance to ask you questions. Leave the checklist in the same location every time so it’s always close at hand and accessible.

What can mums do to get rid of the belly after baby? And how do you slim down bulky legs?

As if stretch marks weren’t bad enough, pregnancy often leaves women with a big jelly belly to contend with. The bump that was so cute during pregnancy becomes like a balloon that’s lost most of its air the morning after the party.

While it might seem unimaginable in the first few weeks after delivery, yes, the tummy area can shrink back dramatically without plastic surgery.

Just how much and how quickly depends on several factors, says Dr. Laurie Casas, a plastic surgeon on the faculty of Northwestern University in Chicago and a spokesperson for the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery.

Obviously, diet and exercise are key, she notes. With a doctor’s permission, most women can begin working out within a few weeks of delivery (those who have had C-sections generally are advised to wait longer). And while breast-feeding women should not diet — and actually need a few hundred extra calories to make milk — all women can focus on eating a reduced-fat diet rich in fruits and vegetables, lean proteins and whole grains.

Of course, exercising may be low on the priority list for many busy, sleep-deprived new moms. But consider this: Pushing a stroller around the neighborhood for 30 minutes to an hour a day can go a long way toward melting away the fat, says Gina Lombardi, a personal trainer in Los Angeles who is working on a book about postpartum weight loss. There are even outdoor classes such as Stroller Strides in many cities now.

Other ideas: Walk with your baby in a front carrier. Do exercise videos or use home exercise equipment while the baby sleeps. Have your partner or a friend or relative take care of the tot while you hit the gym.

In addition to cardiovascular activity to burn off the baby fat, you’ll also need to do crunches to tighten those very stretched abdominal muscles. Start with one set of 10 repetitions and work up to three sets of 20, a few times a week, recommends Lombardi.

To really work the sides of your tummy, try the bicycle crunch, in which you lift your left elbow to your right knee and then switch to the opposite. Aim for the same number of reps and sets as with the standard crunch.

Addressing the weight gain within the first months after delivery pays off. Research has shown that women who do not shed their pregnancy weight within six months are likely to still be carrying it around 10 or 15 years later.

By Brette McWhorter Sember

Trying to conceive is filled with questions . . . some of them difficult to ask. Here are answers to several queries hopeful parents may be too bashful to ask.

Confession time. There are a lot of things I want to know about fertility that I’ve never been able to bring myself to ask. There are probably all sorts of crazy and outrageous questions that have occurred to you, too, which don’t exactly spring to your lips when you’re sitting in front of your doctor in a paper gown. Never fear though, because here are the answers to all the questions you’ve been dying to ask, but haven’t.

1. Does having an orgasm help you to get pregnant?

In theory, an orgasm could help you get pregnant, but experts agree it’s definitely not necessary. During an orgasm, the uterus contracts, causing a vacuum effect which could theoretically move sperm up into the uterus. But Sandra Gahn, co-author of The Infertility Companion, points out, “There’s a certain logic in this theory, yet while studies have shown such a vacuum effect exists, whether it actually brings about a higher pregnancy rate is unproven.”

The key to getting pregnant is not having an orgasm (although it sure makes trying more fun), but timing intercourse to correspond with your fertile period. Trying to force yourself to have an orgasm every time is a recipe for disaster since the stress will not put you in the mood. If you do want to have an orgasm during intercourse, many women are not able to have an orgasm from intercourse alone, so added manual stimulation may help.
 

2. Should I try to stop the sperm from leaking out after sex? For how long?

After ejaculation, the fluid that carries sperm liquefies and most of it runs out. Your body can’t use and doesn’t need that fluid, so it’s has to run out at some point. You may be worried that you’re losing valuable sperm, but according to Dr. Michael Bohrer, MD, endocrinologist with Reproductive Medical Associates of New Jersey and former director of the IVF program at the Robert Wood Johnson Medical Center, “The vagina naturally slopes backwards and the majority of ejaculate will be retained.”

Sperm are speedy and can make their way to the Fallopian tubes within five to 10 minutes of ejaculation. Many experts recommend lying on your back with a pillow under your hips for about 15 to 20 minutes after intercourse. The consensus is that it can’t hurt and may help. But forget standing on your head—that won’t do anything other than make you dizzy.

3. Are there any sexual practices we should avoid while trying to conceive? For example, is saliva harmful? Sex toys? Flavored lubricants?

Lubricants can make intercourse more comfortable and pleasurable, but they aren’t conducive to conception. Dr. Mark Leondires, MD, a reproductive endocrinologist with Reproductive Medicine Associates of Connecticut, says, “Oil-based lubricants or any product containing scents or inorganic materials are likely to kill sperm.” Lubricants also affect sperm motility, slowing down the swimmers. According to Dr. Leondires, studies have found that all lubricants on the market have some impact. A new product called Pre-Seed is marketed as a lubricant for those trying to conceive, but there are no independent studies yet proving that it does not impact sperm.

Dr. Jay Schinfeld, MD, reproductive endocrinologist with Abington Reproductive Medicine in Abington, Pennsylvania says, “The safest two lubricants are egg whites (to use, take a medium-to-large egg, separate the white, and let it come to room temperature) or olive oil.” He points out that salmonella is not a concern with egg whites unless they get in the mouth, so avoid oral sex after the application. Saliva is not harmful to sperm. And sex toys are not a problem, as long as you wash them carefully and avoid contamination from the rectum.

4. Is there a sex position that’s best for conceiving?

Good news here—whatever floats your boat works just fine. Most experts agree that any position that deposits sperm next to the cervix is effective. Some women worry that if they are on top, sperm will leak out immediately. Semen is very thick when it is ejaculated and liquefies with time. This keeps it next to the cervix long enough for the sperm to forge ahead. However, director of Georgetown University’s Institute for Reproductive Health, Dr. Victoria Jennings, MD, points out there is a common belief that missionary position is best. “There is not actual evidence for this, but it certainly can’t hurt.” Different positions do not influence the sex of the baby

5. I think my husband masturbates sometimes. Should he stop while we’re trying to conceive?

Frequent masturbation can reduce your partner’s sperm count temporarily, but occasional masturbation is not a concern. Men have a 24/7 sperm factory at work; two days of ejaculation in a row have no effect on sperm, but more than that could decrease sperm count. If you’re concerned, suggest that he abstain during your fertile period when you will be having regular sex. But the rest of the month is not a problem, in fact, “Abstaining from ejaculation for too long is also detrimental to male fertility,” says Dr. Bohrer.
 

6. Do we have to have sex every day while I’m trying to get pregnant?

“Couples who have sex every one to two days conceive more quickly than those who have sex every three to four days,” reports Dr. Peter McGovern, MD, reproductive endocrinologist in the Department of Reproductive Science at Hackensack University Medical Center in Hackensack, New Jersey. The standard advice from fertility clinics is to have sex every other day during your fertile period (from five to six days before ovulation to one day after).

7. Is there a body type that’s best for conceiving? I’m flat-chested and thin-hipped . . . are women with more curves more fertile?

“Fertile women come in all sizes,” says Glahn, pointing out that women of all body types are able to get pregnant. However, Dr. Randy Morris, MD, associate clinical professor of Reproductive Endocrinology at the University of Illinois School of Medicine in Chicago, says a recent study has shown that women with larger breasts and slimmer waists have higher levels of estrogen and progesterone, the hormones associated with fertility. The study did not compare pregnancy rates though. Since you can’t control your basic body shape, focus instead on staying healthy and maximizing your fertile period.

8. Is it OK to diet while trying to get pregnant? Is it safe to cut out carbs?

Some dieting is OK. Dr. Bohrer says, “A well-balanced and healthy diet accompanied by light exercise is ideal.” He cautions that “extreme diets like South Beach and Atkins induce a starvation-type response, not good if you are trying to conceive.” Make sure you’re getting enough calcium, folic acid, and iron by taking a prenatal vitamin.
 

9. My period isn’t late yet, but I really feel like I’m pregnant. Am I crazy? How early can I do a home pregnancy test?

Early pregnancy often feels just like a period about to start, but some women notice the effects of the early rise in HCG levels, which can result in breast tenderness. Dr. Morris conducted an informal five-year survey at his infertility office and asked women about to take a pregnancy test if they believed they were pregnant. “Most pregnant patients did not think they were pregnant,” he discovered. A pregnancy test is the best way to determine if you are pregnant, and a blood test is the most accurate, particularly in early pregnancy. Home tests are accurate when used according to package instructions, usually not until the first day of your missed period, though some brands now offer results up to five days sooner, with decreased accuracy.

10. If I get my period regularly does that mean I’m ovulating and fertile?

Fortunately, for the vast majority of women, regular periods equal ovulation. Not getting a period is definitely a sign that you may not be ovulating, but it is possible to get a period in months in which you do not ovulate. “Even the fact that you’re ovulating doesn’t mean for sure that you’re able to get pregnant,” points out Dr. Jennings, because you could have tube blockage or low progesterone levels or other problems. If you’re concerned, chart your basal body temperature and use an ovulation prediction kit. If you ovulate in the month you test, then it is likely you are ovulating monthly.
 

11. My periods are usually very regular, but the last one was late. Could that mean I was pregnant and miscarried?

It is possible. Ten to 25 percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, including many pregnancies that women aren’t even aware of because they occur very early. “Early pregnancy losses are extremely common and not a cause for concern,” reassures Dr. McGovern. You would not experience more cramping with an early miscarriage, and the only way to know you that you were pregnant and miscarried would be with a blood test. Having a late period one or two times a year is in fact normal and often due to stress, travel, exercise, or illness.

Your marriage isn’t the only relationship your new baby will impact—your girlfriends will no doubt be affected, too. Here are some tips to help you keep in touch and hold on to those important friendships.

You used to sip martinis with your girlfriends at happy hour, could take off for a weekend getaway on a moment’s notice, and spent hours on the phone counseling friends through their latest love life crises.

These days, martinis are a distant memory, you have to find a babysitter to go anywhere, and your phone conversations are often cut short when your newest family member demands your immediate attention.

Assess Your Friendships

Motherhood changes your priorities, your outlook—and even your friendships. If you are the first in your circle of friends to have a child, you may begin to feel disconnected from your old sisterhood. Suddenly, the women you used to see eye-to-eye with have no idea what you are going through, and you no longer relate to their day-to-day lives. You may need to decide who you’ll go the extra mile to maintain ties with, even when your life is more hectic.

Odette Faghani of San Francisco, California, says this disconnection happened to her when she had her son, now two. “My friends without kids were either women who didn’t have children and didn’t want them or women who were not childless by choice and were reminded of that fact by my baby,” says Faghani. Because neither situation was very comfortable, Faghani says the relationships eventually fizzled after a few awkward lunch dates.

Mom Susan Jackson of Cincinnati, Ohio, had similar experiences after she had her daughter. “Some of my friends without kids seemed almost threatened when I announced my pregnancy, and there was an immediate cooling off,” says Jackson. “I felt like I was being phased out.” So, are the friendships with your childless friends doomed to dwindle into eventual extinction? Not necessarily, says sociologist and friendship expert Dr. Ruthellen Josselson, PhD, coauthor of the book Best Friends—though she says that maintaining any relationship, romantic or platonic, requires effort.

“There needs to be a shared understanding between both friends that one of them becoming a mother is a shift, and that things will definitely be changing,” says Dr. Josselson. “Some friendships have a natural expiration date, but if you have a dear friend that you care deeply about, you should make it clear that the relationship is important to you and that you want it to continue.”
 

Remember the Little Things

You’ve taken stock of what friendships are important to you, and you want to make it clear to those women that you still want them to be part of your life. But how can you show your friends you care when you can hardly find time to shower, especially in those first hectic months of motherhood? Though it seems obvious, tell the friends you love that you value their friendships and want them in your life. And don’t discount the little things, says Lauren Esleeck, who is single with no children but has several friends with kids. “Even if you can’t call and talk for 45 minutes, but you have five minutes, just call to say hello,” says Esleeck.

That’s what Genma Stringer Holmes, mom of three in Nashville, Tennessee, did to stay connected to her girlfriends when her children were young; she carved out time on the weekends for check-in phone calls. Holmes had her first child when she was 20 and was balancing a marriage, night school, and a full-time job.

Because Holmes, now 40, made her friendships a priority, she is still in close contact with those same girlfriends today—many of whom are now moms to young kids while Holmes’ children are in high school and college.

“So we’re still in different worlds,” laughs Holmes. “They’re dealing with diapers and Gymboree, and I’m way past that—but I think it is healthy to have women in your life who are of all different backgrounds and stages and perspectives. I think it makes you a more well-rounded person.”

If you just can’t seem to find time to pick up the phone, send your friend a card or short handwritten note—or next time you’re up for that 2 AM feeding, write a quick email to let your friend know you’re thinking of her.

See It from Her Side

Fans of TV’s Sex and the City will remember when Miranda, frazzled mom of a newborn, unbuttoned her top to breastfeed her son and shocked her childless friend Carrie—so much so that Carrie practically ran screaming from the apartment in horror. In reality, many new moms might experience the same sort of reaction from their friends without kids.

“Some friends are going to be excited and want to be part of it—they’ll enjoy interacting with the baby and will relish the role of auntie,” says Dr. Josselson. “Others might be envious or not want to be included in baby stuff at all.”

Dr. Josselson adds that because women bond around shared interests (or shared stresses), very often a woman perceives that a friend with a new baby is preoccupied and no longer has an interest in the things she once did—and the friend without a child may feel left behind.

Alyson Saxe of Scottsdale, Arizona, is familiar with this out-of-sync feeling, as her close friend is balancing the demands of new motherhood and is “consumed” with her six-month-old.

“My advice for other new moms is to remember that while your friends are happy to hear about your baby, they also have exciting things to share about their own lives, and want to feel like you are still interested,” says Saxe.

While you’re certain that your friend wants to hear you chat endlessly about how your baby genius was able to roll over by himself (twice!), balance out your conversations so they include more than just a blow-by-blow of your child’s day.

Colleen Morrison, a work-at-home mom in South Riding, Virginia, has maintained friendships with her childless friends while successfully navigating the challenges of parenting her toddler.

“When I’m talking to my friends, I try to check myself to make sure I’m not continually blathering about my son,” says Morrison. “But, because I have less time now, I’ve found that my conversations with my girlfriends are more purposeful—more thoughtful than they were before.”

While you should be sensitive to your friend’s feelings, friendship is a two-way street, and your friend must also be willing to put forth the effort.

“In any friendship there are natural ebbs and flows—sometimes one person may be more engaged with someone or something else,” says Dr. Josselson. “Unfortunately friendships can break up over jealously, because the friend no longer feels like they are a number one priority, and for whatever reason is unable to handle that.”

If your friend seems unwilling to share in any part of your new life, and—despite your best efforts—is not giving back, then you have to decide if the friendship is worth trying to salvage. You want the friends in your life to sustain you, not drain you.
No matter how your pre-baby relationships pan out, take heart—motherhood is a wonderful time to forge connections with other women who are going through the same things you are. So next time you are at the park or a mommy-and-me class, strike up a conversation with the woman next to you. She just might be ideal friend material.