Baby Angels Blog

By Meredith O’Brien

I thought I was going to cry like the proverbial baby. I thought that the tiny, chirpy little voices saying, “Bye-bye Mama” as I closed the door behind me and traveled hundreds of miles away would set me off for sure. How could I possibly leave my babies overnight?

I thought I was going to cry like the proverbial baby. I thought that the tiny, chirpy little voices saying, “Bye-bye Mama” as I closed the door behind me and traveled hundreds of miles away would set me off for sure. How could I possibly leave my babies overnight?

But later that evening, as I sat across from their father — a person who’d been a veritable stranger during the 18 months my kids had been around — it wasn’t the angelic faces of my little twins that sprang to mind. “Uh, waiter, can I get another gin and tonic please?”

Let’s just say that my husband Scott and I hadn’t gotten out much by the time we made our first overnight trip away from the kids. Who am I kidding? We still don’t get out much and they’re two (unless you count trips to the drive-through while my son Jonah incessantly chants, “Chicken nuggets! Chicken nuggets!” to the beleaguered fast-food employees).

Pacifying pummeling kids, warding off germ-bearers, grinning and bearing away the time, this mom swears that only signs of bubonic plague will induce her to darken the GP’s door again!

They don’t call it a waiting room for nothing. When I walk into my GP’s - two sick kids in tow—I shiver, knowing the endurance test that awaits. The room, lined on all sides by irritable-looking adults and hordes of (literally) snot-nosed children, is deceptively bright and cheery; its walls are papered with smiling clowns holding balloons. I look around for a seat, then settle for a speck of wall next to the magazines.

We amuse ourselves for the first five minutes by staring at everyone else in the room. There are the usual suspects: young mothers with newborns clutched close; curious, germ-laden toddlers strolling about; even a few slouching teenagers, scowling to hide their embarrassment. There are no toys or children’s books here to spread infection, just a rack of magazines for parents and a few more austere publications like Time, New Geographic, even a stray copy of Ramblers Monthly. I stare at it, thinking this doctor must have a strange sense of humor.

By Meredith O’Brien

One mother wonders whether having kids means handing over the keys to your fashionable—and sometimes sexy—wardrobe.

I tried not to take it personally, but I couldn’t help myself.

“Why can’t moms just dress like moms?” whined a radio talk show host recently, following the publication of a USA Today article (and later a Today Show segment) about mothers in their twenties, thirties, and forties who still desire to be (stop the presses!) attractive.

I felt like they were, in some respects, talking about me.

After listening to callers to the show opine, I came to the conclusion that far too many people must be nostalgic for the days when housecoats were the rage and when moms submitted the keys to their sexuality to their OB-GYN in the delivery room.

But wait. We need the back story:

In a piece provocatively entitled, “Mommy Hottest,” USA Today published an article about mothers who have dared to remain fashionable and, in some cases, sexy.

Here’s a little sample: “Mom has come a long way, baby. Of course, she’s far beyond the ironed and buttoned-up June Cleaver archetype . . . She pays attention to trends, assiduously avoiding anything pleated, tapered or high-waisted (the blueprint for the mom jeans memorably lampooned in a “Saturday Night Live” sketch).”

A color photo of a 28-year-old Virginia mom wearing a lower-cut blouse, form-fitting jeans, and heels while playing with her infant, accompanied the article. Svelte celebrity moms—from the “Desperate Housewives” to thirty-something actress Uma Thurman, mom of two, who is frequently photographed in midriff-bearing attire—were mentioned as new mommy fashion icons.

On the day the article was printed, I listened to callers on a local radio show complain that women who wear not just sexy but simply fashion-conscious clothing are selfish, are trying to “beat the clock,” and are trying to tell the world that they’re “on

USA Today later ran two letters to the editor from readers responding to the article, including one that lambasted a 36-year-old mom who told the paper that she once dropped her preschool son off in an alley adjacent to his school so she wouldn’t be seen uncoiffed. That mother, the letter writer seethed, “doesn’t deserve to have a child.” “As a 45-year-old mother,” the letter’s author continued, “my son’s well-being and education are my top priorities—not my cleavage or the color of my hair. Of course I care about my appearance, but not at my son’s expense.”

Ouch.

The alley dropping off incident notwithstanding (I would push a baseball cap over my un-coifed hair, never unload my preschooler off in an alley), I started making a mental inventory of my own wardrobe. Though I mostly own cotton and various L.L. Bean/Lands’ End duds, I do own a few form-fitting pieces, including two tops that would be described as in the “halter variety.” My clothing choices migrate back and forth between comfortable and wanting to have a little bit of edge amid the child-induced food stains (like, for example, a small white tee with a cartoon called “Margarita Girl” on it, which completely covers my stretch-marked belly, FYI). It depends on the day. And my mood. And whether I’ve had time to shower before trucking my three kids all over creation.

So if any of the letter writers or callers saw me out in public with my small people on one of my spry days, like on a Margarita Girl T-shirt day, I’m left to wonder if they’re silently making assumptions that I’m self absorbed, that I’m trying to act like a teenager, and that I’m trying to send out signals to others that I’m “available.”

I thought we’d outgrown all of this, all of this judging other women based on how we look and how we dress. I felt, after reading the articles and hearing the talk show callers (mostly female), like I was back in high school and that everything about me—most egregiously, my fitness as a mother—was being assessed based on my wardrobe choices. I never realized that being a mother, in the minds of many, meant giving up my own sense of self, when, of course, I have the energy and time to dress like some semblance of my inner-wannabe-fashionable-self.

A sociologist/author explained the premise of this recent phenomenon quite nicely during an interview with The Chicago Tribune. “Just as you can’t be a working mother and be a ‘good’ mother, you can’t be a sexy mother and be a ‘good mother,’ because in both cases you’re being too narcissistic,” Sharon Hays, author of The Cultural Contradictions of Motherhood told the paper.

Well, much to the chagrin of the USA Today letter writer and talk show folks, I waste my time coloring my hair, putting on makeup, and occasionally going shopping for fashionable clothing. These things don’t make me a “hot mommy” or a “bad mommy,” they just make me Me. And they don’t come at the expense of my three kids . . . although perhaps those chemical odors from the hair dye do kill off a few of my own brain cells every six weeks or so when those gray hairs start to reappear, but no more brain cells than one would lose on a true “Margarita Girl” day.

By Kathy P. Behan

Kathy Behan takes a humorous look at kids talking in cars

Whenever I’m driving with my kids, the same song plays in my head. You know, the one that goes, “People are talkin’ at me, Can’t hear a word they’re saying…” For some mysterious reason, whenever my children are placed in a car, their urge to talk is automatically activated. I wouldn’t mind so much, except that they usually like to talk simultaneously, and at high volumes. Plus, all their conversations require some sort of response from me.

Yesterday, for example, we were in our regular middle-of-the-week schlep routine. (Our motto is: We go almost anywhere, and always at the most inconvenient times!) We hadn’t even pulled out of the driveway when the talk-assault began.

“Mom, who would win a fight between an anaconda and a sand shark?” asked my five-year old.

“That’s obvious,” answered the eight-year old. “But it depends on whether they’re fighting on land or water.”

“On land, and on water,” was the response.

They continued this discussion, while I was mentally searching my memory bank trying to figure out exactly what an anaconda was. Child #3 enters the fray.

“Mom, yisten to me. It’s my turn to talk!”

“So mom, who would win?” queried my nature lover.

“I told you already,” huffed the eldest. “A more interesting question is who’s a better hockey player — Mario LeMieux or Cam Neely?”

“Who cares about hockey! Mom, wouldn’t the anaconda win?”

“Mom, Mom, are you yistening? I wanna talk!” yelled the youngest, kicking the back of my seat.

My response? Why I did what any normal red-blooded American mother would do — I turned up the radio full-volume. This so thoroughly shocked my kids that they were actually quiet for a good, oh, two minutes.

“Mom that’s too youd!” complained the two-year old.

“Yeah Mom, ya wanna make us deaf?” echoed the eldest.

We drove in relative silence. Each of the kids temporarily immersed in their own reverie.

So Mom, whaddya think? The anaconda or the sand shark?”

Your marriage isn’t the only relationship your new baby will impact—your girlfriends will no doubt be affected, too. Here are some tips to help you keep in touch and hold on to those important friendships.

You used to sip martinis with your girlfriends at happy hour, could take off for a weekend getaway on a moment’s notice, and spent hours on the phone counseling friends through their latest love life crises.

These days, martinis are a distant memory, you have to find a babysitter to go anywhere, and your phone conversations are often cut short when your newest family member demands your immediate attention.

Assess Your Friendships

Motherhood changes your priorities, your outlook—and even your friendships. If you are the first in your circle of friends to have a child, you may begin to feel disconnected from your old sisterhood. Suddenly, the women you used to see eye-to-eye with have no idea what you are going through, and you no longer relate to their day-to-day lives. You may need to decide who you’ll go the extra mile to maintain ties with, even when your life is more hectic.

Odette Faghani of San Francisco, California, says this disconnection happened to her when she had her son, now two. “My friends without kids were either women who didn’t have children and didn’t want them or women who were not childless by choice and were reminded of that fact by my baby,” says Faghani. Because neither situation was very comfortable, Faghani says the relationships eventually fizzled after a few awkward lunch dates.

Mom Susan Jackson of Cincinnati, Ohio, had similar experiences after she had her daughter. “Some of my friends without kids seemed almost threatened when I announced my pregnancy, and there was an immediate cooling off,” says Jackson. “I felt like I was being phased out.” So, are the friendships with your childless friends doomed to dwindle into eventual extinction? Not necessarily, says sociologist and friendship expert Dr. Ruthellen Josselson, PhD, coauthor of the book Best Friends—though she says that maintaining any relationship, romantic or platonic, requires effort.

“There needs to be a shared understanding between both friends that one of them becoming a mother is a shift, and that things will definitely be changing,” says Dr. Josselson. “Some friendships have a natural expiration date, but if you have a dear friend that you care deeply about, you should make it clear that the relationship is important to you and that you want it to continue.”
 

Remember the Little Things

You’ve taken stock of what friendships are important to you, and you want to make it clear to those women that you still want them to be part of your life. But how can you show your friends you care when you can hardly find time to shower, especially in those first hectic months of motherhood? Though it seems obvious, tell the friends you love that you value their friendships and want them in your life. And don’t discount the little things, says Lauren Esleeck, who is single with no children but has several friends with kids. “Even if you can’t call and talk for 45 minutes, but you have five minutes, just call to say hello,” says Esleeck.

That’s what Genma Stringer Holmes, mom of three in Nashville, Tennessee, did to stay connected to her girlfriends when her children were young; she carved out time on the weekends for check-in phone calls. Holmes had her first child when she was 20 and was balancing a marriage, night school, and a full-time job.

Because Holmes, now 40, made her friendships a priority, she is still in close contact with those same girlfriends today—many of whom are now moms to young kids while Holmes’ children are in high school and college.

“So we’re still in different worlds,” laughs Holmes. “They’re dealing with diapers and Gymboree, and I’m way past that—but I think it is healthy to have women in your life who are of all different backgrounds and stages and perspectives. I think it makes you a more well-rounded person.”

If you just can’t seem to find time to pick up the phone, send your friend a card or short handwritten note—or next time you’re up for that 2 AM feeding, write a quick email to let your friend know you’re thinking of her.

See It from Her Side

Fans of TV’s Sex and the City will remember when Miranda, frazzled mom of a newborn, unbuttoned her top to breastfeed her son and shocked her childless friend Carrie—so much so that Carrie practically ran screaming from the apartment in horror. In reality, many new moms might experience the same sort of reaction from their friends without kids.

“Some friends are going to be excited and want to be part of it—they’ll enjoy interacting with the baby and will relish the role of auntie,” says Dr. Josselson. “Others might be envious or not want to be included in baby stuff at all.”

Dr. Josselson adds that because women bond around shared interests (or shared stresses), very often a woman perceives that a friend with a new baby is preoccupied and no longer has an interest in the things she once did—and the friend without a child may feel left behind.

Alyson Saxe of Scottsdale, Arizona, is familiar with this out-of-sync feeling, as her close friend is balancing the demands of new motherhood and is “consumed” with her six-month-old.

“My advice for other new moms is to remember that while your friends are happy to hear about your baby, they also have exciting things to share about their own lives, and want to feel like you are still interested,” says Saxe.

While you’re certain that your friend wants to hear you chat endlessly about how your baby genius was able to roll over by himself (twice!), balance out your conversations so they include more than just a blow-by-blow of your child’s day.

Colleen Morrison, a work-at-home mom in South Riding, Virginia, has maintained friendships with her childless friends while successfully navigating the challenges of parenting her toddler.

“When I’m talking to my friends, I try to check myself to make sure I’m not continually blathering about my son,” says Morrison. “But, because I have less time now, I’ve found that my conversations with my girlfriends are more purposeful—more thoughtful than they were before.”

While you should be sensitive to your friend’s feelings, friendship is a two-way street, and your friend must also be willing to put forth the effort.

“In any friendship there are natural ebbs and flows—sometimes one person may be more engaged with someone or something else,” says Dr. Josselson. “Unfortunately friendships can break up over jealously, because the friend no longer feels like they are a number one priority, and for whatever reason is unable to handle that.”

If your friend seems unwilling to share in any part of your new life, and—despite your best efforts—is not giving back, then you have to decide if the friendship is worth trying to salvage. You want the friends in your life to sustain you, not drain you.
No matter how your pre-baby relationships pan out, take heart—motherhood is a wonderful time to forge connections with other women who are going through the same things you are. So next time you are at the park or a mommy-and-me class, strike up a conversation with the woman next to you. She just might be ideal friend material.

Are you a good guy looking to be a great parent? A father examines what qualities make men into better dads.

In the two years since my wife and I have had our two children, I’ve searched through quite a bit of parenting resources to complement what my own experience has taught me. Here are some of the ideas and advice that have been most valuable in my efforts to become a better dad.

Choose Your Role

In many parenting relationships, the mother’s more authoritative caregiver status means Dad has less involvement with the children. The main problem, fathering experts point out, is that many dads are all too happy with this arrangement. Dr. Christopher Green, MD, pediatrician and parenting author of Babies! A Parent’s Guide to Enjoying Baby’s First Year, identifies this “learned helplessness” as an act that allows dads to get out of unsavory parenting tasks by feigning incompetence. His suggestion is for the parents to work out “the ground rules of cooperation and shared responsibility from the very beginning.” In my own experience, this can involve taking the night in shifts with sick kids and having whoever’s closest change the diaper or make the bottle.

In all fairness, most dads wouldn’t consciously choose to avoid fulfilling their children’s needs; however, some mothers make it too easy for them to do that. Fathering guru Armin Brott points this out in his book The Expectant Father: Advice and Tips for New Dads. He describes the common scenario in which Dad picks up the baby to change his diaper, and when the baby starts to cry, Mom steps in and says, “Here, let me do it.” Brott’s counsel is similar to Dr. Green’s: dads should arrange with their partners not to take over for them if they start struggling with the child. In fact, Brott cites research showing that parenting involves more behavior that is learned than innate, which means that mothers and fathers alike have to learn to become parents—it’s just that mothers typically get much more practice.

If dads are content to parent passively, letting their spouses shoulder most of the burdensome tasks, they miss out on crucial bonding opportunities with their young children. Real love means work, as M. Scott Peck observes in his book The Road Less Traveled. The corollary here is that if dads don’t put in the work, they deprive themselves of developing genuinely caring feelings for their kids. What’s more, they also risk facing a lack of demonstrated love from their partners, who are either too busy with or engrossed in the children to pay attention to them. In his book Becoming a Father, Dr. William Sears, MD, suggests that if men don’t actively involve themselves in caring for the children from the newborn stage onward, their wives will “pick up the slack” and develop an attachment to the child that can leave dads feeling alienated.

Communicate about Rules

Dads who do decide to contribute equally will find it necessary to do as Dr. Green counsels: sit down with their partners and plan. This extends to more than just the caretaker tasks; the advent of children in a relationship means the sudden end of going wherever you want whenever you want, and it takes a good schedule to keep track of who will be with the kids at any given day and time.

Once children’s behavior begins to test limits—anywhere between the first and second years—parents need to agree on what those limits are. Communicating with other caregivers means first and foremost that partners are on the same page. In her book How to Get the Best from Your Children, Jo “Supernanny” Frost suggests that parents ask themselves questions such as, “What type of behavior do you both consider unacceptable? What are you prepared to be more relaxed about? Where do you differ?” Frost asserts that “it is essential to reach an agreement so that you have one set of house rules that everyone can follow. If Mom and Dad don’t present a united front, children very quickly learn to play one off against the other emotionally.”

As an example of the kind of plan we’ve had to make with our two-year-old, my wife and I decided yesterday not to offer Alexis any other kinds of food for dinner besides the ones we initially put on her plate. Every day we’re faced with similar decisions: what to allow her to take into the bath, how we respond to her pushing her cousins and ten-month-old brother, how capable she is of cleaning up her drawing materials and books after playing with them. This degree of planning seems especially important when parenting occurs in shifts—as it does with parents working different hours or with divorced parents who share custody. As a dad, it’s vital for me to know not only which rules my wife has established as the mother, but also to participate in making those rules.

Maintain Realistic Expectations

I distinctly remember how incredible it seemed that I’d actually thought I’d been busy before my first child was born. “What did I do with all that free time?” I wondered as I fed, bathed, and cleaned up after her. I managed to make some attempts at efficiency, typing emails with one hand while holding Alexis in the other and pinning her bottle between my neck and chin. After only a few months, though, she became able to kick the keyboard tray in as I typed, and if she wouldn’t sit or play quietly, I had no other choice than to quit whatever I was doing and give my full attention to her.

This cramp in available time can be very frustrating for new dads, but it’s something that fathers of kids—especially those under age five—have to consider in planning not only their daily activities but how much time they want to devote to career and other pursuits while their children are young. In his book Finding Time for Fatherhood, psychologist Dr. Bruce Linton, PhD, remembers that “when our two children were little, it was obvious why it was impossible to get much private time. Day-to-day tasks were like digging a hole in the sand on the beach: no matter what size the hole, the water would fill it up. The demands of being both physically and emotionally present for infants and young children are pretty much full-time work for both parents.”

My younger brother found this out as a stay-at-home dad to his three-year-old son. He had just finished his master’s degree and was starting a new job several months later. In the meantime, his wife went back to work full-time as a nurse, and Kory tried to take care of Cameron while working on small contract website projects from home. “It just didn’t work,” he says. “Given Cameron’s constant interruptions, I managed to get only an hour or so of work done on pretty much any given day.” Fortunately for their collective sanity, Kory lowered his expectations for what work he could get done while caring for Cameron—and most importantly, he maintained realistic expectations for Cameron’s playfully intrusive three-year-old behavior.

Engage with Your Children

Dads can provide financially and administer consistent, fair discipline, but unless they connect emotionally with their kids, there will always be something lacking in the family relationship. In his book The Good Father: On Men, Masculinity, and Life in the Family, psychologist Dr. Mark O’ Connell, PhD, promotes a balanced model of masculinity in which men don’t have to be either sensitive and nurturing or competitive and authoritative—they can (and should) be both. Dads with this breadth of relationship with their kids can wrestle and tickle but immediately assume the role of disciplinarian when necessary. But it takes engagement—in which the father is aware of his kids’ and his own feelings—to do this.

Engagement is often achieved most effectively through daily rituals. Ryan from California explains how tucking in his son each night gives them the chance to bond. “It’s during these times that I get a little more of a glimpse of his personality and I get to ask him questions and see his heart come out as he sings and learns to pray,” he says. Bonding doesn’t have to be through bedtime rituals, though. Ryan continues, “I would recommend that dads find a specific bonding time with their kids throughout the day, whether that would be special wake-up time or after-school time, or playing catch in the yard.”

Focus on the Big Picture

There’s another saying that’s true about parenting young kids: the days are long, but the months fly by. Becoming a better dad requires daily effort, but if guys are willing to pitch in with the childcare, help plan how to discipline consistently, and sacrifice time for their kids, the love in their relationships will long outlast the work it took to build them.

What will parents name their babies in 2007? Here are a few baby naming trends you can bank on.

• Classic is Cool: When it comes to naming little girls, antiques are all the fashion. We’ve seen a revival of Victorian Era names such as Abigail, Ella, and Grace, and we expect the trend to continue into the new year; witness the up-and-coming of the lovely Lily, which is now ranked 20th among BabyZone’s most popular names and likely to continue rising.
• Biblical Blasts from the Past: Read any list of popular boy names over the decades and there’s no escaping it: biblical names are never out of style. Noah, Caleb, and Jacob rounded out the top five of our 2006 list. While these may not stay at the top of the list, other biblical monikers will surely take their places.
• Last Names First: The white pages could serve as a popular name book for stumped parents in the coming year. Using surnames as first names is a trend that isn’t fading. Consider Madison, Addison, Mackenzie, Logan, Landon, and Jackson which all fell near the top of our 2006 list.
• Ens and Ahs: Boys’ names ending in an “en” sound are going to stay popular for the coming year—note that Aidan and Ethan were tops for 2006. Meanwhile, girls’ names ending in an “ah” sound—such as current frontrunners Ava, Emma, Olivia, and Isabella—will remain favorites among new parents.

Procreation Holidays

Expectant parents plan babymoons, but what about couples hoping to conceive? The hot trend in travel this year is the procreation holiday, geared toward busy working couples whose hectic lives may not leave a lot of time for baby-making. The hotel industry has responded to the demand with packages designed to help couples de-stress, spark up the romance, and maybe head home with much more than just a suntan. Packages typically include romantic dinners, spa treatments such as massage and reflexology, special “fertility foods,” and, in some cases, short seminars where experts share fertility secrets. Whatever next!

Male Fertility Test Kits

Between ovulation predictor kits and home pregnancy tests, women already have a variety of at-home fertility tools available to them. Now, with the introduction of male fertility test kits, men can perform a semen analysis right in the comfort of their own homes—which might help reluctant husbands get to a specialist sooner. The kits test for sperm concentration and give a positive (fertile) or negative (infertile) color-coded reading within five minutes. Each box comes with enough materials for two tests, so you can repeat the process several days later to ensure accuracy. 

New Age Prenatal Care

Wish you could go to your prenatal appointments with friends? Strength in numbers takes on a new meaning when you enlist in the growing trend of group prenatal care. Many women are flocking to this alternative type of medical care, called centering, which combines traditional OB-GYN visits with emotional support for you and other moms-to-be. The programs first popped up in 1993 when a nurse presented the idea of pregnant women seeking healthcare en masse, and today centering is taking off—there are now more than 200 sites throughout the US.

How does it work? Six to 10 women get together with their doctor for two-hour sessions beginning at their eighteenth or twentieth week of pregnancy. The meetings generally are scheduled in the evenings and begin with doctor-patient, one-on-one sessions and then transition into a support group meeting where women and their doctor can discuss anything from fluctuating pregnancy hormones, to delivery room anxieties, to general health concerns.

Gender Prediction Kits

An impatient couple can now discover the sex of their baby just a few weeks into pregnancy. These new products for at-home use either test urine and give an immediate result or require collecting a blood sample that you send off to a lab. 

To answer the ultimate question of boy or girl, simply test a sample of your morning urine between your eighth and thirty-second week of pregnancy. These companies claim a 94-percent accuracy rate 

Chic Swaddles and Slings

Swaddling babies is nothing new; moms have been wrapping up infants for generations. But in recent years, pediatricians such as Dr. Harvey Karp, MD, have brought baby swaddling to the forefront of parenting to-dos. Swaddling your baby is touted as treatment for colic and fussiness, a way to help babies sleep better, and a safe way to keep your baby asleep on her back. Why does it work? As Dr. Karp notes on his website, “Tight swaddling provides the continuous touching and support the fetus experienced while still in Mom’s womb.”

Baby’s First Spa

Babies have been getting massages at home for a few years now, but in 2007, we predict that you’ll see baby spas springing up across America. Typically offshoots of spas that mommies frequent, they offer baby care (while mom is busy relaxing), infant rubdowns, and a soothing environment. Baby Spa, one of the first of its kind, from the owners of Encino, California’s Skin Spa, opened in late 2006. Described as a “postpartum paradise,” Baby Spa offers infant massage, mommy and baby yoga, and “pampered parenting” classes.