Baby Angels Blog

By Stacy DeBroff. Although you and your partner may be excited about the impending arrival of your second child, chances are your firstborn is a little anxious and confused. Help your toddler prepare for a new brother or sister with this handy guide.

The birth of a child is an occasion of excitement and joy—but for the newborn’s sibling, it can instead be a time of jealousy and confusion. I remember the day after I brought my son Brooks home from the hospital. He was all wrapped up in the bassinette next to our bed and lost in that deep sleep of which only newborns seem truly capable.

My daughter Kyle, just 18 months old at the time, flung herself on the floor in unmitigated toddler grief. “Oh no!” she cried, wailing and wreathing. “Take baby back! Oh noooo!” It was worse than I thought. Kyle clearly wanted me to return Brooks (perhaps to Toys R Us where she could get something in exchange).

Thankfully I was prepared and out of our bathroom rolled an oversize blue plastic wagon for Kyle to sit in and motor with her small, socked feet. “This,” I declared, “is the present that Brooks got just for you as his new big sister.” Kyle looked doubtfully up from the floor at Brooks’ curled sleeping form, back at the beckoning wagon, and with eyebrows furrowed in wary resignation and lingering concern, opted to accept the gift. Sibling crisis averted!

To best acclimate your young child to a little sister or brother, begin long before your baby is born. Strive to be understanding and patient as your eldest adapts to this big change in his or her small world. Try the following tips to ensure a smooth transition for your whole family.

Before Baby Arrives

• Give your child a time frame she can understand for when the baby will arrive (such as right after her birthday, around Christmas, or just before school ends for the summer).
• Give your child the appropriate expectations. Explain to him that for the first few months the baby will do little more than eat, sleep, and cry.
• If your child is older, take her on a brief tour of the hospital where you will deliver. Explain all the details of who will look after her and where she will stay while you are in the hospital.

• Tell your child about when you were pregnant with her and the story of her birth.
• Read books or watch videos about becoming a big brother or sister.
• Decorate the newborn’s room with your child.

• Make major changes, such as toilet training or giving up a pacifier or bottle, at least a few months before you expect to give birth (and be prepared for backsliding once the baby comes).
• If you plan to use your older child’s crib for the new baby, get her into her new bed long before the baby comes. Remove the crib from sight for a while so when you return it for your new baby, your older child will not think of it as her crib. Consider new bedding and bumpers for your baby, too, so your child doesn’t feel like she’s turning over her entire bed to a newcomer.
• Start your child’s new routine a few weeks before your baby is due. Have helpers begin coming to the house or start him at a new daycare program or school.
• Begin arranging time for your child to spend alone with grandparents, caregivers, and your partner, so others can tend to her needs while you care for the baby.
• Have your child come with you to sit for a friend’s or relative’s baby a few times before the birth of your new child. This will help your child get used to having a baby around.

• After Baby is Born

  • Don’t blame the baby for big changes that disrupt your older child’s life. By doing so, you risk giving your child reasons to resent her new sibling.
  • Allow your older child new privileges, such as a later bedtime or extended playtime hours.
  • Let your child overhear you talking about what a great older sibling he is.
  • Don’t try to make your child stay quiet while the baby sleeps. Your baby will adapt to the noise, and your older child’s life will be less disrupted.

• If you find yourself in the middle of an activity with your older child when your baby begins crying, wait a minute or two before responding to show the importance of what you two have been doing. This will help keep the connection to your older child strong.
• If your child and the baby have separate rooms, tell your older child that her room will be off-limits to the baby and ask her to keep her toys with small parts there. Offer to get a gate to keep the baby out. This way your child doesn’t have to keep her door closed all the time and feel isolated in the process.

Of course, this is only the beginning of the ongoing sibling contention. My husband, an only child, asked me recently when Kyle and Brooks (now 13 and 11) would stop fighting with each other. “Gee,” I said, “I don’t even think that they fight all that much. I’ve seen much worse.” He responded, “You have got to be kidding! Seriously, when will this end?” I reflected and reassured him that the arguing should resolve at least by their early 30s!